It’s a Sunday. I’ve just spent the afternoon with the family. And though I’ll be honest, it was carnage, if an outsider looked in they’d probably phone for backup, but to myself, I’d nailed it. No tantrums, no new bruises, no major dramas, and apart from the odd right hook and a slight bite (well, she fell with her mouth open onto a human leg, so I’m letting that one slide), I felt like we’d absolutely got life nailed.

And isn’t that always the way, pride comes before a fall. And here I am, on my phone in the downstairs toilet, texting for support, because there’s no toilet paper. I’d literally had a conversation with my wife about this. I said, “no worries, I’ll grab some.” Then, like some nine-week-old puppy, I got distracted when, by pure chance, I found the bolts for my little one’s new keyboard. But not only that, I found a microphone to go with it. Powering my inner Celine Dion, I belted out “I Will Always Love You” to no one in particular.

And that’s when the mistake happened. Foolishly thinking, “man, I’ve just nailed life,” I treated myself to a toilet break, five minutes, without a toddler stood next to me asking every five seconds, “have you done a poo, dada?” “No, little one.” Followed by the same question again and again, like some trained interrogator, to the point you’d break down and admit to something in a false confession just to make it stop. So yes, I was going to enjoy this toilet break and just be me.

Yet, like I said, I’d texted the wife: “I need some toilet paper please.” She’s doing the put-down, apparently, because I’ve not seen her for fifteen minutes. I guess that’s given me enough time to write all this down. Or maybe she’s just giggling away, thinking, well, I did tell you. And that would be fair. She did. And here I am. Beaten. Brought back down to earth with a bump.Bad news: I might be here a while. Good news: I can still reach the microphone, so I can go into that key change and smash out the final chorus.

Bad news: I might be here a while. Good news: I can still reach the microphone, so I can go into that key change and smash out the final chorus.